lost soul

don't get me wrong, i love the time of life that i am in, but currently i am feeling a little like a lost soul. i know that i am not really lost, what's really gone is intimacy. i miss college life very much. intimacy was actually very easy then - intimacy with Christ, intimacy with friends. sadly for me i think intimacy is very connected to time. you would think with the hours that i have while feeding kate would give me the opportunity to spend time - so maybe my friends, or even my husband, don't want to be up with me in the middle of the night to talk or even just be together - but i know Jesus is - yet my mind wanders - to anything - tomorrow's to-do list, christmas gifts to buy, projects to sew.... so as much as my heart is longing - yearning - desperate - for intimacy, i am actively avoiding it. and so i am back to feeling like a lost soul. more accurately a soul who avoids, but that doesn't quite have the same ring. the closest i have come to "showing up" was at church last night. our church is starting a new service, a new body really - the group was small, but there was a genuine push for community and it felt good to be a part of it. maybe last night was the start of unavoidance for me.